The Family Bed

Most of the things I do as an attachment parent I thought long and hard about-cloth diapers, breast feeding, using a sling, extended breast feeding. Not vaccinating. Even the fact that we don’t use a play pen was something that my husband and talked about (it’s true, our children are free-range). But one thing we do just sort of happened, organically. Co-sleeping. I had never envisioned myself sleeping with my baby. I thought it was dangerous and irresponsible. When my now-teenager was wee, I’d occasionally be so tired that I’d fall asleep nursing her and every time I’d wake in a panic to see if I had smothered her. Once, I put her back in her crib and in my fog forgot that I had done it. The next morning I woke and literally tore the bed apart thinking I had lost her.

The night she was born Salome stayed by my side all night in the basinet and didn’t sleep much. I was exhausted from labor, but didn’t want her going to the hospital nursery and Husband had gone home with our other daughter. She nursed every hour and by morning we were both wiped out. The next night, I held her in the crook of my arm the whole night and napped while she nursed. We both were sound asleep when the morning nurse came in and freaked out on me. (“She can’t sleep through the whole night, she’ll be dehydrated!” “But she’s tired from the move”) Remind me again why I didn’t have this baby at home?

When we got home I kept her in the basinet at the side of the bed for one night. Again, every two hours it was wake up, move the baby to my bed to nurse, doze, wake up again and put baby back and try to get back to sleep. In the mean time, I was reading every thing I could on the internet and had come across the idea of co-sleeping and how to do it safely. The second night home from the hospital, Salome slept next to me and has every night since.

I’d recommend to anyone thinking about this to read everything you can about it. Dr. Sears has a lot of good things to say about the subject-either on the web site askdrsears.com or his books, The Baby Book or The Baby Sleep Book. The biggest safety points are these: Sleep with baby only on a firm surface-NO waterbeds, pillow top mattresses or couches. Be careful of head boards or side rails that could trap baby if she rolls. NEVER sleep with your baby if you or your partner is intoxicated, obese or extremely tired. One note on that last one. Cosleeping with Sally made me better rested and so when I slept with her I was in a normal sleep pattern, not so exhausted that I couldn’t sense her in the bed, like with my older daughter. Our sleep became of cycle of her skootching over to me and nursing and both of us falling asleep and staying asleep while she nursed on and off during the night. In fact, I was amazed that as a new mom I could get a good night’s sleep and feel rested in the morning, better able to care for my newborn. And, don’t forget, put baby on their back to sleep.

The positives of sleeping with your baby show up in multiple ways and reinforce the daytime parenting you’ll do. Baby is more secure, better rested and chances are more likely to breast feed for a longer time because “Mom’s Diner” is close by all night. The fact is that families since time began and in most parts of the world today still sleep in the family bed. Dr. James McKenna, at The University of Notre Dame Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Lab, is doing compelling research that cosleeping actually prevents SIDS. About every year, 65 babies in the US die from non-SIDS related, accidental deaths, usually related to suffocation. Most of these are due to cosleeping non-safely, as described above, on waterbeds or with parents under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Compare that to the number of babies who die from SIDS; over 4200 babies every year, most of whom are sleeping in a crib, in another room. Furthermore, Dr. McKenna’s research shows that the way mother and baby respond to each other in sleep actually prevents SIDS. The baby will naturally roll towards the mother and nestle under her arm. Mom will naturally incline her head down towards the baby. Without going into a lot of physiology in this short article, Mom’s exhaled CO2 actually acts as a pacemaker for baby’s breathing (CO2 stimulates the breathing response in humans).

Our own experiences offer proof of this. Salome would fall asleep next to me and eventually wriggle herself into my armpit, her face turned up towards mine. I could hear her uneven, newborn breaths: rapid, then a pause. As I fell asleep next to her, I could hear her breath even out. Nursing was a breeze in this position. When she got hungry in the middle of the night, she’d start nuzzling my side. I’d roll towards her slightly and help her find the nipple. After a few minutes, we’d both drift back to sleep.

Now that’s she over a year and much bigger, I don’t worry so much about smothering her, although we do exercise common sense. What a joy it is to see her in the very first moments as she wakes up every morning, rolls over and smiles at me. Then she turns toward her dad and starts hitting him on the head to wake up. Better than an alarm clock, every time.

**If you’re thinking about co-sleeping, there are lots of options and information out there. Companies now sell side-sleepers, that attach to your bed and keep baby in arm’s reach. For the very little, there are co-sleeping devices for the bed that keep a firm wall around the infant so they won’t roll or someone won’t roll onto them, but I found that Salome (at 8lbs, 14oz) was too big for them almost from the beginning. If you want more information about this or any other subject, please visit laughing-baby.blogspot.com